If my life was an ONION headline...

FIRST GRADER FILES GRIEVANCE CITING "TOO MUCH PAPERWORK"
Montello Forest Lane Elementary first grader Isaac Zaman has filed a formal grievance with his mother, saying that the level of paper work expected in first grade is "too, too hard." He is petitioning to be transferred back to Kindergarten, where instruction is based on "movies and nap time." Mr. Zaman's mother was unavailable for comment.

GRADUATE STUDENT SUCCUMBS TO INJURIES SUSTAINED WHILE CARRYING 500 LB. BACKPACK
The unidentified woman was found in a ditch alongside Bascom Hill, her bag full of journal articles and notebooks. Also found was a Penguin Dictionary of Economics, a week's supply of Snickers, and 25,482 post-its scattered about her lifeless corpse.

FDA DECLARES SNICKERS CANDY BARS "MIRACLE FOOD"
The food pyramid has traditionally included the "four food groups", but a radical new finding by the FDA has prompted the addition of a fifth group: Snickers. FDA director John Smith said, "It's got all the major components of perfect nutrition! Milk chocolate gives you dairy, peanuts for protein, and nougat - did you know that nougat is a vegetable?"

PRESIDENT BUSH DECLARES THE CORNER BEHIND PIANO A "DISASTER AREA"
The recently discovered corner, which for weeks had been exuding a putrid aroma, has been found to be the official "hidden poop area" for the two yorkies living at the Zaman/Metcalf residence. Yorkie owner Katie Zaman said, "I was playing the piano and noticed a terrible smell. Since there were no turds evident in the room proper, I peered over the edge of the piano, only to discover a virtual mine-field of turds." HazMat specialist Paul Metcalf remarked, "It's going to take a strong nose plug, and a good supply of paper towels, but we'll get the job done." Because of the lack of turds in plain view, the family had assumed that the dogs were housebroken.