I love Twisty Faster. Her writing is educational, and at the same time, funny enough to make me giggle out loud almost daily.
Today she posted a great link, where - according to Twisty - "if one is a fart in human shape," they may wish to purchase fake testicles for dangling off the lower back end of their truck.
Yes. She said, "If one is a fart in human shape." We are in the presence of greatness.
I was a substitute teacher today...in the Junior High...in the Special Ed room. It was going to be an easy day. All I needed to do was follow students from room to room throughout the day, help them out if they needed, and possibly keep them in line when they got squirrelly. But the plan went awry, my friends, when it came to be known that 4 of the six regular teachers were at a conference, meaning that in most cases we were two subs with a room full of tricky, conniving and hormonally charged youth. God help me.
Finally, in 8th hour (the last hour of the day for those who don't know), I got to be in a room with a regular teacher instead of a sub. The same students, that had just four minutes ago tried to out-yell one another while we struggled to get them to do their science projects, were completely docile, sitting nicely in their desks, paying attention, and doing what they were told. It was as if I had stepped into the Twilight Zone.
I can still remember the moment when I realized that there was only one wonderful sound (the teacher's voice) in my ears, instead of a clamor of teenage shrieks and hollers. I actually felt my scalp relax.
It has always irked me (in a purely theoretical and perhaps elitist way) how we demand so much from our teachers and yet pay them so little. Today I came away with concrete experience, and I'm very far beyond "irked". I think it's absolutely criminal that these people don't get over 60k a year - STARTING - because this job is way harder than the 30k-a-year salary that most teachers get (lower for starting wages, esp. in rural areas like this.) I was paid $97 (gross) for my work today, and I am feeling very used. GAWD. This was worse than my stint in the elementary a few weeks back, when I subbed for the gym teacher.
Maybe with experience and training, this gets easier. Probably it does. But I still think we're screwing our teachers by underpaying them. It's not fair to them, or to our kids.
End rant.
I remember this theme song, but I can't remember what the show was about...
And I LOVE this Sesame Street clip (it WAS Sesame Street, right?) - but the one I remember was a little different. This one has a Yellow Submarine and a Beatle head in it...does anyone know if this is the original or a remix?
Mondays Suck. Here's something that will make you laugh and feel better.
(Courtesy of Bitch PhD.)
My mom is known for mixing up common sayings. One of her most famous mix-ups is, "You can't make a dead horse drink."
Today we were talking about how somebody had been a tad dishonest with her, and she said, "Wow, he really played me for a loop!"
I love you, mom.
By the way, why aren't you lame-os doing my Johari Window?
And some of you have not placed your pin in the map that is located on my sidebar yet. C'mon, what do you think I have this blog for, my own entertainment? Jeez.
Man I've been busy this week. Thanks to Old Man Winter for dumping wet, heavy snow on us in the night, because we finally got a snow day! I'm not looking forward to shovelling, but it's better than spending time in my "office" (actually a room full of servers and other junk with my little desk pushed in a corner and there is no phone and I still have to use my personal computer because mine has not been ordered yet, and I can't even print, and have intermittent email access...are you sensing a theme here?). I've learned that having a part-time salaried job is very sucky, especially in the non-profit realm, because it means there is a shortage of resources anyway and I'm having to work until the job is done so I'm not staying within 20 hours a week. I've spent hours and hours begging, scrounging, and even stealing things I need to do my friggin' job. Sigh. End of rant.
This day off is so wonderful.
To kill time, I have created a "Johari Window", and I can't really explain what it is (cuz I'm not really sure), so please go to the link and follow the instructions.
I just walked into the living room and saw this:
Explanation: Isaac's dollar got stuck in the pig's head. He's trying to get it out. Am I raising a serial killer?
My dad is a Republican. I'm working on him, though. I really think he's an un-enlightened Democrat...all he needs is some gentle prodding from me and he'll figure it out.
So we were talking about politics this weekend, and usually our political discussions devolve into a volley of low blows and sarcastic exaggerations within minutes of having been started. Here is how the conversation ended...
Me: Republicans are just not as close to nirvana as Democrats are.
Dad: One thing is for sure, you are really getting on MY nirvana!
In other news, I had a nice day yesterday. I finally mopped the kitchen floor - something that I've been wanting to do for a few weeks now. You have to understand that this is a monumental task for me. It requires moving furniture, pulling up rugs, and mopping at least twice with two buckets of clean soapy water. This is not only due to the fact that I have an irrational germ phobia, but also because this floor has a coating of grease on it from years of not being mopped. I'm working down to the real linoleum. And the fact that I felt this was a blog-worthy topic should be a testament to how important mopping is to me, and also how severe my OCD is!
To wrap this post up, here are some funny Isaac-isms for your daily comic relief:
Instead of flushing the toilet, Isaac "reloads the toilet."
Yesterday Isaac pointed out the playground bully and "his assistants" when we saw them at school.
Thursday at school, Isaac hit one of his friends. His excuse? "My brain made me do it!"
Isaac is building an Egyptian sarcophagus with his grandma on the weekends. It's about 2 feet long and quite elaborate. He has been thinking about what to put inside...one day as he was leaving grandma's house, he looked up excitedly and said, "How about the cat? We could mummify the cat! It would fit just right!"
I love this age.
Here is a list of things that gross me out.
1. Public restrooms, especially when people forget to flush. Wow, people, how can you forget to do that? Especially when there is a great turd lying in the bowl? I avoid public restrooms whenever possible. Isaac has inherited this habit, and refuses to poop anywhere but in our own home bathroom. He's a very normal child.
2. Eggs, and people who eat them. Don't get me wrong - I understand that eggs are an essential ingredient to delicacies like cake, cookies and other confections. What grosses me out is when people crack an egg and fry/scramble/poach it and then eat it just like that. The smell alone is enough to make me gag.
3. Meat is very gross. Especially meat that is still attached to a bone. It's a piece of dead animal people! Hamburger is ground up muscle, fat and connective tissue! Bleck!
4. Why do people use their tongues to moisten the adhesive on envelopes or stamps? Convenience? Chances are I will have to touch that with my finger while I am opening it. I don't want your slobber all over my finger! Use a sponge, a wet napkin, anything but your tongue.
5. Speaking of slobber - what is with those people who allow their dogs to lick their faces? Would you allow me to come up and lick your face in greeting? Gross! I had a friend whose dog used to eat cow pies and then my friend would allow this dog to lick her face. Oh, the horror.
I've posted previously about my dad and sister's involvement in the community theater. They performed this weekend. The play was "Moon Over Buffalo" - a PG-13 comedy that was full of swear words and physical comedy. If you would have told me ten years ago that MY DAD would say "Dammit" and "Shit" in a public setting, and walk around on a stage in his boxer shorts (the man does not even wear shorts in the summer - he's that much of a prude!), and KISS a woman who was NOT his WIFE...well I probably would have fainted. But he was really good, and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad! I admit that I am biased, but the audience agreed that he was great!
My grandpa is usually in bed by 4:00 p.m., but he managed to stay up until 10:00 that night! I happened to glance over at my grandparents when my dad was prancing around in his boxers, and I just wish I could have taken a picture. The look on my grandpa's face was hilarious - a mixture of laughter and amazement!
I couldn't take pictures during the performance of course, but I managed to get a few bad shots of the curtain call. My sister Page is so beautiful, and she was very good in this play. I'm jealous...both of her good looks/acting talent and the fun she must have had with our dad!
I really want to audition for the summer play but I feel very over-extended already. If only there were more hours in the day!
Let's face it, we all work hard. And after a hard day's work, all you really want to do is go home, scarf down some carbs, watch American Idol and then pass out. Spending quality time with our spouses just isn't something that happens on a weekday.
That's where the DMV comes in. Today I picked Masud up from work and we drove to the Department of Motor Vehicles so that we could finally get our new WI drivers licenses. We could have done this in Portage (where Masud works), but we also needed to register our Honda, and they don't do titles in the Portage office.
That's okay, we got to have a nice lunch at Ella's Deli. (I had an avocado-cream cheese-alfalfa sprout sandwich...mmmm...and a hot fudge sundae on toasted pound cake....mmmm...)
Then we drove over to the DMV, fully expecting to get in, get out, and get back in time to pick up Isaac. WRONG. There were over 100 people in line ahead of us. Sigh.
This is the miracle of the DMV. With all of that waiting time on our hands, we were able to have some serious spousal quality time! We discussed finances, our future, Isaac's education, our summer vacation plans, and still had time left over to tell funny stories and make each other laugh! (Although I did have to call my mom to pick Isaac up from school because we were still in line at 2:15.) By the time we went to get our new DL pictures taken, we were laughing so hard that the picture taker guy had to get stern with us.
"I'm going to have to ask you to stop fooling around, there is a line, you know!"
Thanks to the DMV, we'll make it to our 9th anniversary! That's not saying much, I guess, since it's only 17 days away...
 | "I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best." |
